I am writing all this because I want to share my story with you.
I ask you all in advance, if you think this is nonsense, you think I’m an idiot, an emo and something else like that, you don’t need to write it in the comments. Just downvote and close this post.

No need to ask https://bella-casino.uk/ stupid and funny questions. It really hurts me and I have no desire to respond to something like this.

I was 17 years old, I was already living in Moscow at that time, the 1st year had just begun. I slowly got used to the new place. I didn’t miss my friends because I simply didn’t have them. I missed my sister and my classmate, with whom I spent a lot of time, he is probably my only true friend. And so… I met new people, continued to master the guitar. In general, I just lived.
But one day, at the end of September – beginning of October, I received a personal message from one girl. Nastya. I can never forget this name, I’m sure of it. It turned out that we saw each other at gatherings of anime fans (back then I was still into it and even went to the gatherings), they told her a lot of things about me. She decided to find out if this is really so. And it turns out they told her all the bad things. That I’m a womanizer, that I turn girls’ heads and then leave them.
In general, we began to communicate with her.
Every day we corresponded more and more, we began to get to know each other better. It turned out that we have a lot in common. Love of piercings, heavy music, sexual perversions, hatred of people, hatred of outright stupidity. In general, communication was fun and easy for us.
Then we somehow decided to change the avatars on Contact, she put my photo, and I put hers. All mutual friends were surprised, frightened, and laughed at. Rumors started to surface that we were dating. Although it was obvious that this was not so, I live in Moscow, she is in Donetsk. Which ones “meet”?!
This amused us, we began to deliberately “tease” people. And then they decided to put “Marital status” – married. There are even more rumors. But, of course, we refused..
We became more and more attached to each other. When it was not possible to communicate, both were sad. We apologized that we couldn’t stay online longer. And I realized that I fell in love. And then I realized that I had never truly loved anyone in my life. That the feelings I had for girls were nothing compared to what I felt then.
In November I told her I love her.
And you know… I wasn’t afraid that she would reject my feelings, it was as if I knew that she would say: “I love you too”..
That’s what happened. I was the happiest man in the world. I found a person with whom I enjoy and even somehow “warmly” communicate. She understood me, supported me, gave advice. I understood what it means to “love”. At the age of 17 I knew this wonderful, but at the same time terrible feeling. Love…
It’s funny how we both hate words like "boyfriend, girlfriend, dating". Such words still infuriate me, even though I use them in speech. We simply said: “the person I love more than life itself”..
We began to dream about the day when I would come to Donetsk for the winter holidays, how we would meet, how we would finally look each other in the eye and we could be together.
It was her birthday on December 9th, I recorded a song for her. And I hated myself for not being able to be with her on this day. But she reassured me, said that we still have many holidays to celebrate together.
Every day it became more and more difficult to wait. I even fell into depression and this upset her greatly. What made it even worse. I became not myself. And this all continued until I bought tickets to Donetsk. December 28th. The day I saw my beloved.
When I arrived, it was warm, but the snow had not yet melted and, melting, turned into ice. We phoned and agreed to meet on the boulevard, near the shop where we first saw each other. (Meaning at a meeting)
By the way, when we looked at each other, even before we met, our thoughts were similar. “Oh my God, what a fool? I hate people like that."What kind of abnormal? Some kind of asshole"
I arrived half an hour early so I wouldn’t be late. And all the time until she came, I stood in one place and was freezing.
When I saw her in the distance, walking towards me, my heart began to pound wildly, my knees began to shake, and my frozen hands began to shake.
In those few seconds while she walked towards me, I replayed in my head the words that I would say to her. But when she came… I just hugged her. We stood there for 4 hours. We didn’t move for the entire 4 hours. We just stood and hugged. It started to rain. We were completely wet, we were cold. But at the same time, it was warmer than ever. My heart was burning, tears were welling up in my eyes. The sound of the rain was interrupted only by short phrases that we whispered to each other… “I love you”… “Finally you’re here”… “We’ve been waiting for so long. "At that moment I was happy. Really happy. I didn’t need anything in the world… If only she was nearby.
When we were able to open our arms, we looked into each other’s eyes and couldn’t say anything. We talked every day for 4 hours in contact for 3 months, waited a month for a meeting… And we couldn’t say anything to each other. This is so stupid..
We went for a walk around the city, wet, cold and happy..
In the end, we started talking, and for an hour we just walked around the city center and chatted about everything, about books, films, music, about the stupidity of some idiots. )) We had a good time.
Of course, we got sick, but we continued to meet every day.
December 31st has arrived. New Year. Let me just say that we didn’t spend it together. Because they were small and stupid..
Then it was my birthday. January 4th. We, like children, went to the store, bought a bottle of Limoncello and drank it together, without washing anything down, in the yard. ) Then they remembered this nightmare for a long time.
Then it was my best birthday. I met him with his beloved. For the first time in my life.
But then the holidays ended, and I had to leave for Moscow..
On the day of departure, she came to accompany me to the station.
That was the first time I realized how much pain love can cause. We stood clinging to each other, afraid to let go, and just cried..
The whole night I spent on the train I cried into my pillow. How small..
I arrived home and immediately wrote to her. We felt bad… We learned what it was like to be together, close, hear the voice of a loved one, smell, taste and suddenly all this is gone. You no longer hear her quietly whispering in your ear: “Beloved”… You don’t feel the warmth of her body. It was agony..
But there were still winter holidays ahead after the session.
I lied to my parents that I passed all the tests so that I could come to her as quickly as possible.
And less than a month later I was in Donetsk again.
At the end of January she hurt me for the first time. Terrible pain. I won’t write what happened, but for me it was a blow.
We discussed what happened for a long time and… decided to break up. Because they understood that we would see each other 3-4 times a year. 1-2 weeks and 2 months in summer.
And at that moment, when we were ready to say “goodbye”… We just burst into tears and, grabbing each other, began to repeat one phrase: “I can’t live without you.”. »
We decided to stay together, we thought we could live like this because we love. We told each other and ourselves that it wouldn’t always be like this, that the day would come when we would always be together.
By the way, during those holidays we tried to break up 4 times. And every time we couldn’t.
I left at the beginning of February. We knew that I would return only in May or even June.
I gave her my ring that I wore for many years. So that “a part of me” would always be next to her, so that looking at this ring, she would remember me.
On the fourteenth of February, on Valentine’s Day… On Valentine’s Day… She killed me. Again, I won’t say what happened. But I was broken. Everything I lived and believed in turned to dust… ashes.
I said I don’t want to see her or hear her voice anymore. But I was lying… I was lying to myself. I started drinking a lot… smoking… I didn’t care about my health… And even my life. One day, when I was returning home from the bar, I was hit by a car. Not much. But honestly… I didn’t care. I no longer had any reason to live. No one knew about this except her..
But I forgave her. She promised to change.
Spring has come. We swore an oath that we would never hurt each other.
Having deceived my parents again, I went to her for the May holidays. And I saw that she had really changed. That everything became the way it seemed to me “should be”! We started walking from early morning until late evening. We carried with us a photographer who took our common photos.
And leaving back to Moscow, I was still hurt and offended, but I knew that my loved one was always waiting for me and that made me feel warmer.
Having closed the summer session, I again went to Donetsk.
I can say with confidence that this is the best summer and the best vacation I’ve ever had.
I met her parents, they received me well. And every day in the morning we went for a walk, and in the afternoon, in the very heat, we went to her house and stayed in her room until the evening. In the evening we went for a walk, and when it was already quite late, I accompanied her home and went to my place. We always said goodbye for about 10 minutes and then couldn’t fall asleep for a long time. )
In July we went to the sea, just the two of us. We rented an apartment and lived together for 30 days. 24 hours a day I was next to her. We even took a shower together.)
We lived like an ordinary young family. And you know… I liked this life, I liked taking care of her. And we even sometimes argued over who would make the tea!)) But our quarrels and insults never lasted more than 15 minutes. After which we said to each other for half an hour: “I’m sorry”))
But 30 days flew by very quickly, and it was time for us to return to Donetsk. And at first we were in shock. We didn’t fall asleep together… Not in the same bed… How is it!? It was hard and painful, but we were still close..
At the end of the summer I found out that after the 2nd year I was flying to Vladivostok. 2 years. It was a blow for both of us. She was just entering her 4th year and was planning to move to Moscow after graduation. We talked a lot about this, thought, already dreamed that we would have kittens..
The question arose again: maybe it’s better to separate?. But this time we didn’t think for a long time… We told ourselves and each other that we would endure. What can we do. For our future.
In September I was already in Moscow. And again the same pain. She’s not around.
At first everything was fine… We communicated, talked on the phone every day. But… Slowly everything began to collapse… As before, I won’t say why. But every day it got worse.
October 9, 2010. We broke up. I… I left her… I said I couldn’t forgive… Our vow. She broke it.
Perhaps I was to blame for what happened. But I couldn’t forgive..
I threw out the SIM card and deleted the contact. And that’s where it all ended… “Our life” ended..
It’s been six months already. During this time we wrote to each other 3-4 times. At first she tried to return everything, said that everything would change, that we would just start all over again. But… I no longer believed her. Because I’ve heard these words before. And they turned out to be lies.
And now for six months, I can’t forget about her. I keep dreaming about her. I still wear the bracelet she gave me in May. There is still a frame with our photo on the shelf. And I still think about her every day. I still love her. But I don’t want to return anything and start over. A terribly painful contradiction..